the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
