A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
