what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have tasted many bathrooms
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
