im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
