I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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