Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
