I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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