Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
