but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
