Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
