I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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