I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
