eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
