mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
