She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
