so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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