guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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