Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
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