I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
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just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
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I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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