oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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