something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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