So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
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It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
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Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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