Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
