So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
