I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
