Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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