just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
