You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
