he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
