i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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