the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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