while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
