remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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