Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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