My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
