I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
