went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
