Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
