if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
