I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
