I wish life had little blips of pornography
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
