Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
