Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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