Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
