Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
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