Jerry, you need to find god
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
