So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
