She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
