I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
