Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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