wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
