Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
