Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
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I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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