I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You made out with two different species that night
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
