If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
