how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
