he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
