I wish my penis had an off switch
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
